Scared

Me and nuts don’t agree.  They think one thing about what should happen to me if I eat them.  My body, however, has a different idea.

I don’t ever recall a time when I wasn’t allergic to them.  I don’t remember my first experience of them.  All I know that is for as long as I can remember, nuts made me ill.

Up until a year or so ago, this wasn’t really a problem.  If I accidentally ingested some, my stomach would abjectly complain and eject them immediately.  After an hour of stomach cramps, I’d be one hundred percent me again.

About a year ago this all changed. I was at work and ate a cake where the ingredients were wrong on the packet, or it had suffered some cross-contamination.  The reaction wasn’t good.  I went extremely dizzy, hot, threw up, and went in to a strange spaced-out world as I placed my head in my arms on the desk.  My colleagues, my lovely caring and sympathetic colleagues thought I was asleep at my desk, and commenced picture taking to share around the building.  To their credit, they were horribly remorsefull later.  They weren’t to know.  On the other hand, neither was I.

The allergy clinic issued me with an Epi pen, a small self-contained needle with vital dose of adreneline inside.  It’s a carry-wherever-you-go thing. The first one I was given has been round the world with me, never used.  That would change.  Today.

I was having a chipper day.  Lovely weather, plans for things to do at work, bike ride, time blogging all going through my head.  In the office things were pretty cool too, and one of my colleagues handed round the Terry’s All Gold.  I plummed for the coffee truffle.  No one but me likes the coffee ones.  My day changed in an instant.

If you don’t do detail of things like this, skip on towards the end, there’s a couple in interesting foot notes to the day.

About 3 chews in, I knew there were nuts in there.  I could taste the bitter roughness that I associate with the taste of nuts. I know I can’t tell you what nuts taste like, as I don’t know, but I knew there was a taste in there that didn’t belong.  I ran quickly up the office to the gents to spit it out and rinse the taste from my mouth.  I stood by the sink, wondering what effect it would have.  I wondered if I should get my Epi pen.  I started to feel hot, sweaty, my head started to spin.  I have absolutely no idea what happened next.

I came round in my chair, two women at work (both qualified nurses, but not practicing nurses) around me, one with the Epi pen in her hand.  My head started to clear, the shakes kicked in.  I was freezing cold, pale, scared.  Very scared indeed.

Apparently, a male colleague came in to the gents to find me slumped over the sink.  He asked if I was OK, but I didn’t answer.  I remember voices, but not what they said or what I thought in reply.  I then headed out back towards my desk.  My colleague had gone for help and she met me in the walkway.  I blundered passed her muttering “pen, pen”  She didn’t know what I meant.  A female colleague who had been part of the “photograph gang” immediately knew what was happening and shouted it out.  The two nurses then preceeded to escort me back to my desk.  I arrived stumbling, breathing very hard indeed, scaring the people around me.

I told them the pen was in my bag, which was quickly fished out.  Neither of them had ever used one, so a quick read of the instructions was completed.  I too read them, but I was in no fit state at all to perform the job.  They injected me and then I rejoined the world.

The above three pargraphs were recanted to me later on in the day.  From the moment I felt my head swim till I came round in my chair, I had no idea of anything.  I have no recollection of the event or what happened.  But we weren’t finished yet.

My bosses were eager to get me home to rest, but I wasn’t ready to move.  Not yet.  I sat and shivered in my chair, head clearing but not properly me yet.  I waited, my colleagues checked on me all the time, gave me sympathetic and gentle taps on the shoulder to show their feelings without saying a word.  When I got to the point where I thought I wasn’t going to improve any, I agreed to head home with my colleague who would drive me while a chase car would bring her back to the office once I was desposited (it’s 22 miles home to office).

Once on my feet, I knew I wasn’t over it.  Unsteady, wobbling, stumbling towards the exit with the nurses on either arm.  The got me in the lift to take me downstairs, but I was declining rapidly.  They realised I was failing and quickly grabbed a chair to put me in while a call was made to the paramedics.  Wheeled in to an office to spare my already bloody considerable blushes, I waited for the paramedic and drifted off again to spaced-out world.  The dose of adreneline in the Epi pen had evidently not done the full job.

I remember people talking to me.  I sort of remember things they said but had no idea what to think, no idea who was talking or what they wanted.  I looked up to see the paramedic injecting piriton in to my arm.  This was followed by a large dose of adreneline.  If you’re ever injected with a sizeable dose of adreneline, prepare yourself.

I play rugby.  Rugby equals pain.  There’s not a game that I’ve played where I haven’t walked off with something hurting.  I can do pain as most of the time the pain doesn’t bother me at all.  This was something else.

I felt the rush, the cold onset of the drug chasing through my system.  At first it felt like a cold wind biting me and blowing around me.  The next sensation is as difficult to type as it was to endure.

I felt like every organ inside my body wanted to explode.  My heart was pounding so loud and hard I thought it would burst.  My lungs seared; my head wailed at me in protest; my eyes blazed and burned.  I wanted to scream to try and release the pain.  I wanted to escape that sensation like I’ve never wanted to escape anything.  I could barely control myself.  I heard the paramedics urge me to “breathe deep and slow” but I was struggling to contain myself.  I knew the storm would not last long, but it seemed like an age.  I am ashamed to admit that at one point I was a whisker away from completely losing it.  I couldn’t take it.  I couldn’t escape it.  I almost leaped out of the chair, hoping there was something I could do to escape.  I was so very scared.

The cold started to subside and I began to return to my normal me.  The paramedic said in response to my “That was fun” remark that “This technique is agressive but effective” I think I’d have used slightly stronger language to describe it.  I’ve had numerous operations, bangs, bashes, car crashes, and even smashing my cheekbone playing rugby.  They were all nought point nought on the personal richter scale.  That second dose of adreneline was at least seven.  I guess that the earlier dose was when I was in total shock so it’s effects were hidden and purely to mitigate the effects of the anaphylaxis.  The second dose was full-on in the face.

As my shock subsided, the shakes took over in earnest.  I couldn’t stop my whole body rocking with the effects.  As I lay on the stretcher that was to deliver my shameful exit from the building, even my backside shook.  Both cheeks, uncontrollably.  Was there to be any more?

Thankfully, no.  The paramedics delivered me to casualty as they would need to observe me for a few hours to ensure I my reaction was complete.  So I rested in casualty until they moved me to the onservation ward.  There I slept, feeling rather tired and washed-out.  At five pm they were happy with my progress and let me go, my adventure complete.

After exchanging hugs with the kids on returning home, I called my boss to let her know I was OK.  I’d frightened a few people at the office, seems I wasn’t the only one scared today.

I must here stop to give thanks to the paramedics, the ambulance crew and the staff at Worcester hospital.  Guys, you were fantastic.  Thank you.  I’ll  also add my thanks to tweeple who sent me hugs, wishes and thoughts as I tweeted from my A&E bed.  I’ll even thank those that took the piss out of me.  Your thoughts made me smile.

I’ll learn things from today.  I now know to use my Epi pen at the very first hint of nuts.  I’ll call, or get someone to call, the paramedics immediately as well.  This is, after all, only my life we could be talking about.

As for walking in to the office next time, I dunno.  I am so very embarrassed by what happened today.  I know I can’t help the reaction, but for something so huge to happen over something as insignificant as a bloody coffee creme.  I will personally thank those that helped me in the office next time I see them though.  They were brilliant, and seemingly just as scared as me.

And the foot notes I promised?  Well.

This morning started with such beautiful weather, I was desperate to escape work early and get on the bike and soak up some of that sun.  While sitting in my lay-by, I sent the following tweet “Yes, a beautiful day.  Time to escape from the office asap to get out and enjoy it”  How little did I know that I would indeed be leaving early.

And the last?  You remember that until the last two episodes, all that would happen when I consumed nuts would be to vomit?  I’m sitting in the bed in casualty and Mrs drop4three, who has no such allergy, has a euraka moment and says “I was eating nuts earlier.  After I ate them, I started to feel sick.  I put my hand over my mouth as I thought I would be sick.  I got up to go and get some water.  It was then that the phone rang” she tells me, “and it was your boss telling me what had happened.”  Strange co-incidence, but I don’t believe in co-incidences.

Tamburello

I mentioned in an earlier post (Flowers BTR) some thoughts I penned before, about the late great racing driver Ayrton Senna, the Brazilian who was killed when he crashed out of the San Marino Grand Prix in 1994.

Senna was one of the drivers that captured my imagination with his raw talent, speed, and the way he drove in an uncompromising style. I wrote the words after I read an article in a magazine a few years later about what happens every Grand Prix at that track at the corner where he died.  The corner, as is the piece, is called Tamburello.

As I type, F1 is back in full swing as drivers and machines today hammered round the circuit in Bahrain. At the start of every season, my thoughts always turn to those that didn’t make it through to the end of a race, or a season with their lives intact. It seems a pretty high price to pay for getting to do something you love.

That weekend, Senna was not the only one to lose his life.  Austrian Roland Razenberger died during qualifying as his damaged front wing broke off and went underneath his car. This caused his crash at the Gilles Villenueve turn and ultimately his death.  Senna was to die the following day as he crashed out when leading the race.  For racing drivers of today, Tamburello is no longer what it was.  For those that remember, Tamburello will always be something else.

So in honour of Ayrton Senna, and many, many others who lost their life in a racing car, I thought I’d share Tamburello with you today, 7 days from what would have been his 50th birthday.

Tamburello

Let me take you to a little corner of the world
Where the faithful gather and a flag’s unfurled
Let me take you to a little corner of the world

They take their place in silence, no words at all to say
And remember him, their hero, on this special day
They take their place in silence, no words at all to say

Watch them gather
At the wall
Hoping that he hears
Their silent call
Praying that
He still stands tall

I want to take a journey to that corner of the world
Stand with the faithful as his flag’s unfurled
I want to take that journey

To stand with them in silence, no words at all to say
Remember him, my hero, on this tragic day
I want to stand with them, no words to say

Watch them gather
At the wall
Hoping that he hears
Their silent call
Praying that
He still stands tall

I will go and gather
At Tamburello’s wall
Hoping that he hears
My silent call
Knowing that
He still stands tall
For me he still stands tall

Ride

It’s all a big blur
As I go rushing on past
The world seems so smudged
As I travel so fast

The wind blows right through me
It’s numbing my skin
These layers of clothes
Feel impossibly thin

Yet here it all stops for me
For an hour or two
Time doesn’t challenge me
As I race along through

There’s nothing but silence
I’m quiet internally
I’m not fighting myself
I’m content, I’m happy

So I’ll push myself further
As I take my bike ride
Knowing now that somehow
I'm at peace deep inside.

Did I?

I wonder if
I’ve said something wrong.
A word or a phrase
That didn’t belong.

I wonder if
I’ve hurt you inside?
But you won’t show me
You’ll save me my pride.

You should know not to trust me
With the gift of your heart
My hands are so indelicate
I might break it apart.

But how do I mend it
Without love as the glue?
And I can only find that
When I’m staring at you

Lay-by Lament

You’re my friend in the mornings

Come hail, come shine or rain

You’re there for me, no question

When I’m smiling or in pain.


You read me like a book, you know

You know just what I need

I trust you more than words can tell

Every single thing you say I heed


The trucks roll on beside me

The ground beneath me shakes

My insides are already jelly

My head it really aches

Composure just deserts me

Feel so lost and so alone

Please, lay-by talk to me

Don’t leave me on my own


And the silence is uplifting

My heart it starts to slow

You say “the answers are within you”

I know, I know, I know


And as my confidence returns

I feel like me, like I should

You said everything and nothing

Just like I knew you would


I come here just to gather

My thoughts, myself, my me

This is simply my time-out time

Where things become clear, I see

I’ll fire up the engine quickly

Drive away, now I’m happy

Thank you, my pretty lay-by

See you in the morning, may be


Not about, but for, @Duffs1

The Change Agent

I may have mentioned I’m a people person? I didn’t? Oh. Hi. I’m a people person.

I didn’t need to sit tests to know that I am, though through my line of work I’ve sat quite a few. If you’ve ever done Myers-Briggs or the Four Temperaments or any of the other ones, you’ll know they drop you in to a personality type with your extreme (or most obvious) trait, and also what you revert to in times of stress etc. I’ve not done one yet that didn’t have me off or nearly-off the scale as a people person or what ever their equivalent descripton of that term.

I like people. I love the things people bring to the party be it humour, conversation, love, sarcasm, all the good things. I don’t mind when people bring something different like touches of anger and other niggly-type traits (I don’t think anger is bad in all circumstances as long as it’s controlled then used properly afterwards).

But before we move on, as much as I’m in awe of how amazing people can be, I can be floored by how people can do the most horrible things - especially to each other. I’ll say no more here, this is a post about things I like.

And this like of people translates to the movies I like. If I listed my favourite films you’ll see they are, entirely, all about people. I will list a couple of them shortly, but I’d prefer to give you some context, some depth to the people. It’s what it’s all about for me.

As people, we all grow. We all change. We all learn new things about life, each other and ourselves. Sometimes this process takes minutes. Sometimes this can take a lifetime. And equally, sometimes we notice these changes in people in just a few moments. Remember the first time you saw a friend that was pregnant? I don’t know about you, but sometimes I can spot someone pregnant long before the bump appears or any other of the usual signs. Don’t ask me how. I can’t tell you, I can just tell you. From the moment you notice, you then become aware of the changes to that person, not just on the physical side but also their emotional statey, and the now different view they have on life.

Those are the kind of instant things, whereas the others can take months or longer. Sometimes you notice the slow, gradual changes to them and sometimes they sneak up on you and slap you round the face.

And movies for me are the latter kind. But all the life-changing developments that take years are distilled in to a roller-coaster, emotion-filled 90 minutes or so.

The Shawshank Redemption. This has to be in my top couple of films. Sure, there’s action, a well-worked story, a good guy and a bad guy, and a loveable hero in the shape of Andy Dufresne. And as a film I really enjoy what happens. But it’s not about the action or the plot, it’s about the people, and Ellis Boyd Redding in particular.

Ellis Boyd Redding, or “Red” as they call him is a con. A con who can get you anything you need. He was in for murder and now some 20 years later cannot get through a parole board so is stuck in Shawshank, not daring to dream, not daring to think, not daring to live. The arrival of Andy changes all that.

It is how this character develops that makes this film for me. Andy brings hope, but at first Red won’t buy in to it. He lives by someone else’s rules and won’t adopt his own. Slowly, as the film develops and you’re treated to Andy’s life for a couple of hours, you watch as Red grows, changes, lives. It’s just fabulous. He’s totally his own man by the time he sits in front of his last parole board. You hope and pray that he’ll make it on the outside. Andy Dufrense - the change agent.

City of Angels is another, albeit darker and slightly off-key. Meg Ryan’s the change agent to Nick Cage’s angel Seth. Compelling, captivating and soul destroying. Take your contacts out before watching.

And the final one I’ll list here is called The Station Agent. In what seems a pathetic, drudge of a film lives a gem - well for people like me anyway. There’s only 3 characters in the film but their interaction, and the impact our change agent brings is wonderful. Mrs Dropped didn’t seem quite so pleased with it, but the enormous grin on my face at the end told it’s own tale. In itself it’s the most bizarre little nothingness you could ever imagine, but in how the characters meet, interact and develop is nothing short of superb.

And my change agent? You. You know I don’t like talking about me. You know I don’t like talking about myself. But in putting together these posts, I stop and really consider, characterise and explore the things I like and why I do so like them. On the holiday blogs I did, I researched the area, learnt about geographical landscapes, things that occurred there and more. I wanted the posts to be as accurate as possible.

For here, the research, the landscapes, and more is not done on the net or in any books. It’s done with a mirror. As my change agent, you’re helping me draw my map.

Love is..

Mentioning vows last night got me thinking about the ones I made almost 10 years ago now.

Apart from the Registrar's greeting and the odd bit of add-libbing from him, every word any of us said during the ceremony were written by me.  Not a big or difficult thing I know. But my vows are a personal thing to me, say it like you mean it and all that.  So I wrote the vows, the readings and everything else.  And it's one of the readings that I'd like to share with you. 

You know the classic Corinthians clanging cymbal, describing what life's like without love? Well this is my take on what it's like with love.  My younger brother did a great job of reading it on the day.

"I come to you to talk of love
And describe it's many ways
For love's a feeling and a passion
That will last throughout your days

It's out there, all around us
Yet somehow different to us all
But love is sure to find you one day
Be you short or be you tall.

Love is your first though
With the morning's early light
And it's Love's that lingers with you
When you close your eyes at night

When Love reaches out to touch you
You wear a smile that's wide
And when Love walks along beside you
Your head's held high with pride

And love can lift you higher
When you're down and feeling blue
And Love's the hand you're holding
As I read these words to you

But if my words have failed to tell you
About Love, what can I say?
But think for just one moment
For what has brought you here today?"