Tuesday, 25 May 2010
As part of a self-understanding exercise, the children were asked to describe things about themselves, about their personality. Their answers were then passed round their small tables to give their friends the opportunity to add their own comments, their thoughts, on how they saw their classmates. A really good idea, and our 7 year old’s friends had put some lovely comments about her.
It came in a small diagram, similar to the one I’ve penned for me that you can see at the top of this post. The lines at the major compass points are for the friends to comment. The inbetweeners would be for her to tell her friends what she thought of herself, or in this case for me to tell you what I think of me. And that’s where we hit a speed bump.
As you can see, I’ve added some non-descript comments in, we all know these are the things I do, not what I am. And before you think this is an ask for your warm fluffy comments to be sent my way, it isn’t. Or your not-so-warm fluffy comments either before you say anything else. This is about me telling you something. You’ll get your chance, one day. May be. May be not.
Since that night, I’ve mulled over what makes up the major traits of my personality, what are the most obvious, most central parts to my character. I know in The Change Agent I described a little bit of me, what I like, and did say you were helping me to draw my map. But now I sit here I think, ……… well ……..nothing really. No clues. My mind’s as blank as the page that stares back at me.
OK, let’s step back a touch. What are the components that make up oneself? Is it actions, thoughts, dreams, flaws? Well that’s an interesting question as well, isn’t it? Others may judge you by the most obvious trait you display to them, your actions or comments. But only you really know what ticks inside you. What you think, what you feel, what really goes on in your head, the actions or comments that you consider but never do. You may, at some time or other, discuss some of these thoughts with someone close to you revealing a little more of the you inside to those on the outside. But are these the things that define you?
“A man is defined by his actions”
Are we? Looking externally then I would probably agree with that. What you see is what you get. If you could look in to someone’s head or heart, would you still think the same knowing what they think and feel? Looking inward though, it has to be something else. I know the thoughts in my head, surely that’s how I must define myself.
But I’m still no further forward. I still don’t know how to describe myself. I couldn’t even begin to categorise myself either. You may have your thoughts, I may even have guessed some of them in the diagram. More words now, from a note I wrote to myself in the middle of one sleepless night recently:-
They say beauty’s in the eye of the beholder, but in the mirror my reflection is all I see. Time was, time is, without a change. Just so very tired of being me.
And now I know where I am. I’ve watched people in films change and lived it with them. I’ve seen friends and those close to me grow and develop, and I've shared it with them and loved every second. But I feel like I’ve had my feet in concrete. I’ve been standing still while the world has rushed on around me. So when I look in the mirror I see the me I don’t want to be, the old me. I want to see a different drop4three. I just don’t know what the finished article looks like, so I’m just going to wing it. Which is typical me. See, I can’t even change that.